Poetry posts:

“Desirae:

There once was a Princess,

Who dressed as a pauper;

Who thought she would die,

If she lived any softer.

Even in her tower,

Of Ivory white;

She was depressed,

And cried every night.

If she would start,

Her Path Anew;

She’d have to learn how,

“To thine own self be true.”

 

Don’t lose your way, Desirae.”

One of the poems that I wrote while either figuring out my name, working through emotions as I got the name, or the piece I did for my performance that I will be posting within the next week. It’s a fairy tale like aesthetic, for sure. The content, however, about various different themes relating to get my name back. I also refer to this in many of the life update comics, and use lines from this poem even in that performance piece.

In this poem I talk about how engaging with being open with who I was (and that not fitting masculine norms) seemed to increase certain outside threats, or perceived ones. It’s also briefly mentions that this place was a strange one for me to be in, because of my privileged experience. Being white, growing up in Suburbia, even some of the social/ familial support I have now. In the same breath that recognizing that I had grown up lucky, or have supportive parents (which many queer folk don’t), and other resources, it was still a struggle growing up hiding who I was. It was like the very tower that protected me felt like a cell I was caged in, and it was and is hard to wrap my head around.

The pauper thing played into that too. Not just as a kid, but in all ages I felt this weird tug-of-war. This contradiction. Dressing up fashionable seemed to signify possible queerness, in ways, but not being up to snuff also could be socially ostracizing. So, the line about dressing as a pauper, is almost literal. I didn’t know I had ADD as a kid though I exhibited a lot of extremes of various symptoms even up to this very day. So, because I couldn’t channel masculinity in athleticism or other means, I kinda used the closet as an excuse to be a mess before I knew what the closet was. Being a mess/slob had more of a “guy” connotation. So as frustrating and self defeating as the symptoms were, I felt safer in that space. I could be a mess and not get beaten up for being a “@#$,” cool. Yeah. But I was still weird, stained, ripped, unfashionable little monster. Who often got by pure chance in school because I was never organized in terms of studying, either. Yeah. That had no negative repercussions. Not a one! But the idea of being the princess dressed as pauper facilitates that whole “if I went out doing what I really wanted to do, I would be more exposed and less safe than I was.” How much of it was paranoia? How much did I play into the bullshit I was so upset over while trying to survive and stay safe? Who knows. It was Juvenile and tacky. More ways than one.

So if I wanted to grow past all that? I had to start accepting myself, and grow on that path. That ties into the ending parts, and the last line, a lot. Also, the “don’t lose your way” line is from an Anime where the girl is an action hero, and it stuck with me in terms of theming. For all the times I was told to “be the best you can be” (lol) and that I should “be myself” or that I had a God given talent, or I was loved and appreciated unconditionally, that I should stay on the “straight and narrow…” there was nothing more confusing and isolating than being in the closet. The ways told me to move forward were often exactly how I got lost to begin with. And if I was to really bloom, come into my own, I had to accept this side of me. All themes in my performance piece.

Okay, so that was long. But that’s it for now! Hopefully if I have other stuff written, poetry or prose, I will try to post some of it! This has some elements of “15 year old just starting to write” but I am proud of it, cause it was one of the first poems I had written in years. 

So hope you enjoyed, and see you around!

 

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My brother is making Fic by a fan. A work of fiction for, and by, someone who enjoys a work. What’s the term? Hmm.

Come check me out! https://archiveofourown.org/users/falconlord5

via I’m On Archive Of Our Own! — The Shadowed Universe

Be the best (You can be) #4 (some grown up stuff, this strip 14+)

BTB_YCB_4_copy

 

Why repost?

Original post:

What the original post had to say: 

“This is the fourth one, one more and there will be a shift in the arc.”

Yeah, that translates into: “The prologue will be over after the next strip” in Ike speak.

Sketch.

 

The day 19 post is coming first because it is relevant, Goddamnit: “working for the “A.””

Do you know how much energy I have wasted avoiding doing things because I was either afraid about sucking at it/not being good at it? I was interested in science and things, but, oops! Bad at math. Only had a mediocre grade in science. Okay, never trying to be good at that again. Oh well. I’m a creative type, right? Mister moody, feelings, artsy fartsy make arts person. Who care if I am not good at science stuff, I can just art.

Oh, but I make spelling mistakes and grammatical errors. I guess I shouldn’t choose writing as my thing. I mean, I struggle organizing my ideas, right? Oh well, try the next thing. I like to draw, to bad I suck at perspective. That limits what I can draw. And I am bad at being proportionate and things. Okay, so I guess art isn’t right for me. Unless I use a medium which me to use instead of actually honing my skills so I can do what I want. And that was a catch twenty two because some of the things she taught me could have helped me do what I want, but because her goals for me were so different I just kinda shut my brain out to her/their teachings. What about music? Can’t keep time because I keep messing up notes on guitar, and music theory is essentially the math that I am so bad at. Not to mention I blew my throat screaming AC/DC when I was a kid, so I can’t reach high notes worth a damn. Maybe something less artsy? Social sciences need writing and grammar and sometimes I need to have math in their as well. Or biology. There goes those things. What about making friends, just being a social person? Oops, not the most popular. Must hate myself. What about fighting against social injustice… wait, I’m part of the problem of social injustice because I benefit from it. And people who benefit from it more use this argument to justify social injustice against me, and I use it to justify my social injustice sort of things to people who are lower on the hierarchy ladder than me. Okay, learning languages? I CAN BARELY ENGLISH HALF THE TIME.

It wasn’t till recently that I realized I spent so much time evaluating what I had done before I had even done any of it, that I never actually did anything. So focused on finding the one thing I am exceptionally good at, when each thing I tried I ran into the same problem. I realized, when it came to being good at something, it wasn’t that I was bad at it. I was new. We have a culture that shames inexperience, that shames not being perfect. I’m not saying it has to be “hippie, everyone passes,” sort of crap. I’m saying that the focus should be on doing the work, and evaluations should only be there to help us work better. Give advice on where to go next. But instead of work being the goal and evaluations being the thing that helps us along the way, we are just fucking working for an “A.” And honestly? Most detrimental thing to any career aspiration or talent development I personally had to ever deal with.