Do you know how much energy I have wasted avoiding doing things because I was either afraid about sucking at it/not being good at it? I was interested in science and things, but, oops! Bad at math. Only had a mediocre grade in science. Okay, never trying to be good at that again. Oh well. I’m a creative type, right? Mister moody, feelings, artsy fartsy make arts person. Who care if I am not good at science stuff, I can just art.
Oh, but I make spelling mistakes and grammatical errors. I guess I shouldn’t choose writing as my thing. I mean, I struggle organizing my ideas, right? Oh well, try the next thing. I like to draw, to bad I suck at perspective. That limits what I can draw. And I am bad at being proportionate and things. Okay, so I guess art isn’t right for me. Unless I use a medium which me to use instead of actually honing my skills so I can do what I want. And that was a catch twenty two because some of the things she taught me could have helped me do what I want, but because her goals for me were so different I just kinda shut my brain out to her/their teachings. What about music? Can’t keep time because I keep messing up notes on guitar, and music theory is essentially the math that I am so bad at. Not to mention I blew my throat screaming AC/DC when I was a kid, so I can’t reach high notes worth a damn. Maybe something less artsy? Social sciences need writing and grammar and sometimes I need to have math in their as well. Or biology. There goes those things. What about making friends, just being a social person? Oops, not the most popular. Must hate myself. What about fighting against social injustice… wait, I’m part of the problem of social injustice because I benefit from it. And people who benefit from it more use this argument to justify social injustice against me, and I use it to justify my social injustice sort of things to people who are lower on the hierarchy ladder than me. Okay, learning languages? I CAN BARELY ENGLISH HALF THE TIME.
It wasn’t till recently that I realized I spent so much time evaluating what I had done before I had even done any of it, that I never actually did anything. So focused on finding the one thing I am exceptionally good at, when each thing I tried I ran into the same problem. I realized, when it came to being good at something, it wasn’t that I was bad at it. I was new. We have a culture that shames inexperience, that shames not being perfect. I’m not saying it has to be “hippie, everyone passes,” sort of crap. I’m saying that the focus should be on doing the work, and evaluations should only be there to help us work better. Give advice on where to go next. But instead of work being the goal and evaluations being the thing that helps us along the way, we are just fucking working for an “A.” And honestly? Most detrimental thing to any career aspiration or talent development I personally had to ever deal with.